


Parcours

by someactionshavenoend



Series: Parcours [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Dissociation, Explicit Language, Flashbacks, Food Issues, Gen, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Introspection, Nightmares, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Sam Wilson, Panic Attacks, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-03-08 21:05:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 19,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18902638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someactionshavenoend/pseuds/someactionshavenoend
Summary: “We have to live without sympathy, don’t we? That’s impossible, of course. We act it to one another, all this hardness; but we aren’t like that really. I mean … one can’t be out in the cold all the time; one has to come in from the cold.”― John le Carré, The Spy Who Came in from the ColdBucky, if this is really him, is dangerous, not just because he’s got a fucking metal arm that can rip up highways, rip out steering wheels, rip off Sam’s fucking wings, but because Bucky makes Steve blind. And if anyone were to use it to their advantage, then the rest of the world is well and truly fucked.In which reconciliation is attempted, memories are processed, goons are murdered, and we pretend that canon past Winter Soldier doesn't exist. I present to you yet another Hunt For The Bucky fic, in which healing isn't always straightfoward and there is a whole lot of internal monologuing.





	1. Wipe Him

**Author's Note:**

> There's a lot of warnings in the tags - these are for the entire work.  
> The warnings that apply for this chapter are: depersonalization, brainwashing, torture, violence.  
> More detailed notes at the end.

****

The Asset should not struggle. It is not allowed to struggle. But there is no one with high enough clearance to tell it that. Not for a while. But then Pierce is there and it begs. No, it doesn't beg. It asks. Questions. It knew him. It knew him. It knew him it knew him it knew him it knew him. It was confused. It thinks that they are just telling it this to calm it. It has killed scientists before. Crushed them when it wasn’t calm. But it sits, because something is wrong, because Pierce is there, because something has been ripped from it. It feels like the man on the bridge was like - like something. Like the way weapons sit in its hands. Seeing the mission was right, but not right. Not right because it (he?) is not supposed to kill him - no, that is wrong.  _ Eliminate the target.  _ It does not have any more time to think. The scientists push the guard into its open mouth. It is used to this. Resigned. The chair is pain is fear is hurt is nothingness. 

The Asset opens its eyes.  _ Ready to comply _ .  


 

It. It sits. It sits in the chair. It sits in the chair and there are men. It sits in the chair and the scientists are. It sits in the chair and the scientists are running through the programs, the checks. It has been wiped. It will not be frozen. There is one final act to be played out. It does not know the imagery, but that does not matter to the Asset. It will prevent any threats to the plan. Its mission is the same. Eliminate the target. Designation: Captain America. It does not know the target. It should not. But if it does, the mission was formerly part of an operation. 

_ (This isn’t freedom, Steve says, this is fear) _

 

There is interference to the operation. The mission and the mission’s secondary. The Soldier rips the wings off of the secondary. This is easy. He is not disciplined. The operation will be compromised if the mission is allowed to continue his actions. But the Soldier is there, standing as if it has always been there. Maybe it has. The Soldier moves through environments as if it is walking across a stage. No, that’s not right. It is never noticed. Actors are noticed. That’s not right either. Good actors are not noticed until they are meant to be. That is what the Soldier is. A good actor, given lines, given everything. 

The mission knows it, recognizes it. It can read that in the man’s face. No matter. It will be the last time that he makes that recognition, because it will succeed in the mission. Failure is not an option. If the Soldier could want, it would not want to be decomissioned. What it does know, is that it will terminate the target. The shield causes issues. It has not fought against - it has not fought - it will use the shield as it can. The target uses the shield mostly as a defensive weapon, deflecting the bullets that the Soldier directs against the metal. It has been taught how to fight against a defensive opponent, but the target does not fight. The target speaks. The Soldier hears pleading in its ears, a cacophony of screams. That is immaterial. It has killed every person that has begged for their life. Weapons do not feel pity. Weapons have no mercy. And so it slams its metal fist into the man, who does not resist. It does not question that. It has to finish -

_ (To the end of the line, Steve says, his face swollen) _

The Asset - the - 32 - Soldier - B- hesitates. The Soldier fails its mission. The ship that they are on collides with what the Soldier should know is the Triskelion, and the mission - ? - falls into the river. 

 

That is wrong. The Soldier knows this as it knows how a knife fits into its hands. 

The Soldier is the one who falls. 

The Asset falls too, because that is what is supposed to happen. More specifically, the Asset - who is no longer acting in the capacity of Soldier because Soldiers do not jump into a river because a man said words that hurt their heads - the Asset jumps after the mission - the - the Steve?


	2. Save Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation. The Soldier makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting the first two chapters one after another because they're about the same and because this will help with the posting schedule I've envisioned.  
> Chapter specific warnings are: depersonalization.  
> Vomiting is mentioned but not described.  
> More detailed warnings at the bottom.

The Asset cannot die. That’s not quite right. The Asset can die. The Asset can be brought back. The Asset is not allowed to self terminate. The Asset has no control over whether it lives or dies. The Asset can only control the deaths of others. This is what it does. But now the question is - can it die off mission? When the mission is no longer a mission that it is pulling out of the river? It has failed this mission. It has failed and it will be punished and maybe it will be decomissioned and that is just a sanitized word for the final loss of control that it will experience. It will be killed and it will not question it. 

 

It - he? - the Asset stands on the banks of a river that it knows is the Potomac in the way that it always knows the streets and landmarks of a city. Details were shoveled into its brain and they will be wiped away as its handlers desire. It holds onto the shirt of a man that it once knew as the mission - designation: Captain America. That hurts. Designations do not usually hurt. Words besides the ones used to hurt do not usually hurt. But it is only pain, and there is nothing wrong with that. It sees a flash in its head, every time it thinks of the designation. So it should not. Order through pain. It is meant to avoid that. 

 

There is no mission clawing in its mind. Something got broken when it pulled the mission out of the river. That’s not right. Something broke earlier. Something broken on the bridge and they tried to fix it, but it broke again when the mission spoke those words. It should not remember the bridge, but the bridge is there in its mind. It does not know what to do with that. It could not complete its mission. It does know this. It also knows that it must report back to base for punishment. It drops the mission’s shirt, drops the mission. 

 

From the trees, it watches the city burn. It does not return to base. It feels small cuts knit back together as it walks, avoiding the police cars with their flashing lights. It knows to avoid all officials. It must not be seen. That is easy. People are panicking and they do not look at him. They look skyward, they look and they cry. The Asset agrees that there was too much collateral damage. Tactically, it gave away too much. HYDRA is on the streets too, and those patrols, it takes more care to avoid. It should turn itself in. It throws up in an alley because its head hurts so much. Order through pain. But it resists the pull when it sees a trio of operatives. They are unmissable for it, because it was trained to see them. But the people around it do not notice. 

 

It loses time. The wipe is not holding well, it notes. This is a malfunction. Root cause: “till the end of the line”. It should return to base. It vomits again, though there isn’t even river water left in its stomach. It is dark outside now. The Asset will not need to sleep for another 24 hours at least. Given that it was used today, at least. 36-48 would be allowable, but less optimal for mission readiness. 

 

The Asset has no mission to be ready for. Its head screams at it. It needs a mission. A weapon is nothing without a target and it hurts hurts hurts hurts. He blinks. It will need to find adequate cover for the night. It is not operating optimally, and cover will allow it to regroup and consider stopping this madness that is running from HYDRA.  _ One head and -  _ a siren cuts into the Asset’s thoughts. 

  
It takes some time, but even Washington DC has its abandoned buildings.  _ Gilt,  _ his brain supplies. The Asset is unaware of the history of the city. It would not know what suffering has existed here. But it takes advantage of a crumbling structure all the same. The Asset considers once more that it must return to base. Once more, it declines to do so. The Asset decides that it has a new mission. That new mission is to find out why the designation hurts, why the mission hurts. The answers to questions it is not allowed to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Soldier continues to refer to himself as 'it'  
> The Soldier throws up twice, but this is just mentioned as happening and is not described in any detail. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr at the pretty much empty blog of the same URL as my username.  
> This is unbeta'd so pointing out any mistakes would be appreciated. Let me know if I should tag anything else.


	3. Considerations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam does some thinking. Sam and Steve talk about the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really any warnings for this one - just that it takes place in a hospital and there's some swearing.

Sam, as he waits for Steve to come around, tries to put his life in order. It’s not easy. It’s not easy because he was dealing with his shit. He was helping people deal with their shit. And then this fucking know-it-all asshole running man came into his life. He’d tried to help him too, because fuck if Sam doesn’t know what it’s like to come back from a war without your best friend. He knows now that Riley is to him as Bucky is to Steve. Fuckin’ SAT analogies. But who fucking knew that if you try to help Captain Fucking America himself, Steve Motherfucking Rogers will show up on your doorstep - with a friend he might add - and ask if Sam’s willing to commit an entire fucking felony. He is. But that’s not the point. Sure, Sam took one look at Steve, one look at the mystery woman, and just stepped right aside, but hindsight is 20 fucking 20 and he’s allowed to be a little overwhelmed once the whole shitstorm is over. He is. He’s going to process this like a big boy, because he knows how to help himself and how to help other people too. So he plays music. It’s calming to him, and it’s all part of Steve’s attempts to acclimate with the century or whatever the fuck. Sam knows exactly what it is, because Steve showed him the list once. And he gets it. Catching up on things is important, but it seems almost like a chore to Steve. And that’s the bad part. He thinks that maybe Rogers hasn’t made as many choices about his life as he should be able to.

 

But this silent time is about Sam, too. He’ll lose himself if he only thinks about Steve, and he can’t do that. Because a lot’s happened to Just Sam. He got his wings torn off. Didn’t die, but the loss still hurts (they link him to Riley and what if that’s the last thing he’ll ever share with his best friend). And he’s got some cracked ribs. Those hurt too, more palpably. He lived and he’s absolutely going to have to call his mom, because holy shit, she’s going to be worried. She doesn’t know - and isn’t ever if he has anything to say about it - that he was on the front lines of it, but a hurricane comes within a hundred miles and she’s expecting him to call. She’ll find out the story from him, as much of it as he can tell her, because she just knows these things. It’s some sort of wild intuition and a very complete understanding of her own child. He should probably visit. It’ll do him some good. Maybe he’ll bring Steve home, too. God knows he needs some mothering and some food that’s not from a mess hall.

 

His sisters - and his mother too, if he’s being honest - would tease him that he’s got a fucking thing for boneheaded white boys. Riley was blond too, and that makes it so much worse. Because one boneheaded, blond haired shithead that runs into danger at any cost because he thinks (knows) it needs to happen is one thing. Two like that, is another. And yeah, Sam was pararescue too, which means that he’s just as crazy (see the whole commiting a felony thing), but he thinks that when he’s picked as wingman twice, it’s less of a coincidence and more of a very long, strange cosmic joke that Sam’s not in on.

 

Steve, the shithead, takes this opportunity to wake up. “Hey man,” Sam tells him, slapping on a soft smile, because he’s not about to start lecturing when Steve was just put through a meat grinder and almost drowned. That’s only like the last two bad things that happened to him, too. Everyone deserves to wake up just a little bit peacefully. That’s shattered, though, because Steve blinks, looks confused, blinks again, and then he’s looking sad and -

 

“Bucky - did he -?”

 

Steve must be able to read Sam’s face, because his expression that had something that might have been hope in it fades away to nothing.

 

“Sorry, nothing on him.” No news might be good news, Sam thinks. But then he frowns, a sudden thought. “Hey, how’d you pull yourself outta that river?”

 

Steve frowns right back. He’s quiet for a moment. “I didn’t.” Maybe some of that hope comes back into his face and Sam hopes that it’s not all fucked up. “We gotta find him. He recognized me - at the end. He was there, Sam. We gotta find him.”

 

Well there goes Sam’s quiet retirement that he’d been set on for all of two seconds. Sam would like to put himself up for the Best Friend Ever award for this. “Okay. We’ll find him. You need to rest, though, buddy. Super healing or not, you have to get some rest.”

 

Steve looks like he’d like to fight him on that.

 

“I’ll call that scary-ass spy - Natasha, right?” If that is her real name. “I bet she’d know how to make you stay in that bed. Do you want me to call her? We exchanged numbers, don’t doubt we did. Takes a lot of people to keep you from an international incident.”

 

Steve still looks put out, but he doesn’t look like he’s about to jump out of bed anymore.

 

“I’ll stay, Sam. But we gotta get moving.”

 

Sam sighs. “I get that, I really do. But look at it like it’s a battle plan. You need to be mobile and you’re _not._ You’re probably gonna want to talk to Natasha about things, too, even if it’s over the phone, and I have no fuckin’ clue where she’s at right now. Something this big? There’s gonna be huge consequences. There’s been a dump of information - pretty much all of HYDRA’s files got set loose on the Internet. And if we don’t start to even flip through those dossiers, we’re gonna miss something big. Because your friend there? Bucky? He’s gonna be in them. No way he’s not.” Sam’s not sure if that’s really Bucky anymore, but he’s thought about how he’d feel if Riley showed up again and decided that he can’t stop Steve, just do damage control. “He’s in the wind, man, and a guy like that’s not gonna get found unless he wants to be. So we need to use all our resources.” Yeah, he’s committed to this, isn’t he.

 

“I guess,” is the underwhelming reply to all that. “What if he’s hurt, bad? I tried not to fight him, but not until the end. I got some hits in.”

 

Sam is going to kill Steve himself. ‘Here lies Steve Rogers, a big fuckin’ dumbass’.

 

“You idiot. Steve - what the fuck? What the fuck, Steve?”

 

Steve just looks at him.

 

“Usually it doesn’t take that long for people to start yelling,” he says, and Sam is going to slap him, he swears to god.

 

“I was trying to be nice to the patient, but fuck that. Steve, he looks like your friend and maybe he recognized you, but you could have gotten killed.”

 

“He could have killed me so many times, Sam. But he didn’t. It’s Bucky in there. He was there, in the end. And he had to have been the one to pull me out of the river.”

 

It’s like talking to a brick wall. Sam decides to answer the original question.

 

“He was all armored up, remember? And from what you told me, he seems like a pretty smart guy. Maybe he’s not thriving, but I think he’s smart enough to survive out there. You need to focus on you, and then we’ll focus on him. Just stay here overnight, okay?”

 

“Fine.”

 

Overnight was a compromise, but Steve doesn’t have to know that.

 

“Hey, call Natasha and see what she’s doing. I wanna talk. You were right. Don’t look at me like that, Sam.” Steve must have seen the mad glee in Sam’s eyes at being told he was right. Not that he was doing much to hide it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say I had a posting schedule in the notes of the last chapter or something. I think it's going to be Monday/Wednesday/Friday because I just *clenches fist* want to share this story with all of you. As you might have guessed from the total chapter count, it's all written already, so I should be able to stick to this, barring IRL events.


	4. Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Asset gets his life together. Sort of.  
> Also includes one (1) huge narrative coincidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: depersonalization, self harm, blood, flashbacks, torture, medical torture, brief mention of suicide  
> See notes at the bottom for more detailed explanations.

The Asset remembers the trackers, the drugs. They have to come out or the former mission will -  _ failure will not be tolerated -  _ there will be no escape. It is not supposed to believe in that word, but it knows that is what it has done. So it feels along its skin, for the small bumps that signify technology beneath the false exterior of skin.  _ He looks like a guy, but all that’s there’s a fucking machine. Nothing behind the eyes but what we put there. Gotta tell him what to do. The old notes say he almost suffocated the first time around - fucked up, right? It’s wild. Creeps me out when he looks at me.  _

 

The Asset digs them out with a knife. Blood flows, but it is only pain. It’s almost a comfort. It should suffer for its malfunction, for its escape and continued evasion. 

 

The Asset considers the weapon. The fingers ripple. There are trackers in there too.  _ He needs to be able to do fixes on it when we aren’t there to sedate him. _ He presses the right sequence, flexes false muscle just the right way and the control panel pops open.  _ This cannot be removed. It is a part of you. Acknowledge. A scream.  _ The Asset is able to pry out little wires and drug release vials. The Asset is forced to pry up a panel to get to a hidden tracker. The arm whirs, still smooth, but it can hear the faint misalignment of the plates. It cannot go back now. They will come for it now, too, it expects. It will have to move on. Soon, soon. It is prey now, it thinks. It does not ever remember being away from base this long. 

 

Two hours later, there is blood on the floor, blood on the Asset’s gear, blood on both its hands. It has dried, but the Asset knows that it must wait a while longer for the wounds to close fully. It cannot travel like this. However, it also knows that it requires sustenance if it is to be able to move quickly. This will be a proper substitution for a rest period. 

 

But it does not know how sustenance works. Well. It thinks, hard. There were always tubes. No, not always. They gave it things that it could chew. But it was always put in its face and it does not know where sustenance can be found. It saw people eating, it thinks. People do that. It must blend in with people, so it must eat like them, too. But it knows about money -  _ people would pay millions to use you -  _ and it does not have that. It doesn’t really know what it’s supposed to do. But it must find sustenance. It shudders.  _ Stabbing, tearing, tearing like his body is pulling apart. You cannot leave us. You cannot die without our command. You are nothing without us. There is nothing you can do that is not without our command. _

 

The Asset snaps one of its flesh fingers. The pain jerks it out of the imagined pain. This is good to know. It wraps the finger to the next one and continues to attempt to plan. Sustenance is the only goal and yet it knows nothing. It hurts, in fact, to think about it. It also hurt to hide from the operatives. It chews that around in its mind. It is doing things that are not right. It is going off mission. It is malfunctioning. This it knows.  _ You may not die. Your life is ours. You must do everything you can to return to us. You are not allowed to kill yourself. Do you understand Sear-  _ It pokes the broken finger. But that’s an idea. It is not supposed to die on mission. It has a mission. It had decided that mission, but it is a mission all the same. It will find sustenance, because it is not supposed to die. There. Fixed. 

 

The Asset finds that it can stand now, even with the directive of finding sustenance.  _ It’s getting bad - nothing left in the trash cans, nothing that’s edible. You seen how the lines are, right? _   Now isn’t that just a coincidence, written in its mind to perfection? The Asset resets its gear to cover the blood. This is why it is in black -  _ covers the blood.  _ It will want to look like a person, though. Sustenance and clothing, it decides. It will be leaving this place, leaving the trackers. It knows it is leaving blood, but HYDRA will know what it has done either way. 

 

It walks and creates its mental map. There is a smell and the Asset’s stomach makes a noise. This will be a place to look. It slips between the building and the next. The trash cans are not like the image that comes to mind when it thinks the word. No matter. The Asset learns quickly. It lifts up a plastic flap and comes face to face with a stink. But there is something fresh in there, despite the smell. Its stomach does something. It is not entirely sure what, but it grabs what it thinks is good. It doesn’t actually know. It’s been fed for so long that it stares at the bag in its hands and it...doesn’t know what to do. It has to get into its mouth.  _ This is stupid, _ a voice says in its mind. It eats with its fingers and finds the experience to be remembered deep in its muscles. It knows how to eat, just like it knows how to hold a gun. When the Asset has consumed what was in the bag, it looks back in the trash can -  _ dumpster.  _

 

There, in the trash is a flier. It catches the Asset’s attention, because it has that face. The face, the mission, the man, Steve? Captain America, the flier says. Special Exhibit. This lines up with what the Asset knows - designation: Captain America. It picks the flier up with its flesh hand and stares at the face. It can read the words, though reading hurts its brain sometimes. The letters flutter and sway in its mind. But it learns the location. Mission directive: reconnaissance on target. But first, clothes like people wear, with enough pockets for its weapons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Asset continues to refer to himself as 'it' and thinks of himself as a category other than people.  
> Self harm - The Asset intentionally breaks his own finger (paragraph 6) and also uses a knife to remove trackers under the skin.  
> Blood - Removal of trackers via knife  
> Flashbacks/Depersonalization/Torture - 1. A scientist talks about how creepy and machinelike the Asset is and notes that a long time ago they almost suffocated the Asset accidentally, 2. the arm - fixing it and attaching it are brought up, 3. mention that people would pay to use the Asset, 4. The Asset feels pain in his arm, like it's tearing off and is being told that he cannot leave + that he is under their control, 5. Flashback to the 30s about lack of food.  
> Medical torture - 1. a scientist in a flashback mentions that when they were wiping him, he almost suffocated because he didn't know how to breathe on his own, 2. discussion of the surgery to attach the metal arm.  
> Suicide mention - A handler tells the Asset that he's not allowed to kill himself (paragraph 6, alluded to in paragraph 5).
> 
> If there's anything that I missed or need to tag, please don't hesitate to let me know.


	5. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sam attempts superhero wrangling, to some success. Plans are begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No particular warnings for this chapter - just some strong language, but what else is new.

Turns out Natasha’s taking on Capitol Hill. She could eat them alive, Sam thinks. But she won’t, because that wouldn’t serve her purposes. Sure, he doesn’t know her purposes, but he’s got an idea of what spies are like, and he’s pretty sure that they tend to keep their skills on the down low as much as possible. She says that it’s a good idea to look at what HYDRA had on Bucky, tells Sam that Bucky’s probably not home, but wishes them both luck anyway. They can call her, and if she ever gets out of the hearings, she might even join them. She’s got experience with this sort of thing, she says, tone grim. Sam doesn’t ask, but he saw her in action. He knows, in that way that makes him not want to know at all. He wonders if there’s a file on her somewhere in that data dump. 

 

Steve is nice to the nurses. He’s charming and all Captain-America-not-Steve-Rogers, a distinction that Sam is learning to see. There’s overlap, yeah, because Steve Rogers is a genuinely nice guy, but there’s a lot that doesn’t seep through to the Captain. Running bullheaded after a man who may or may not be his best friend is all Steve. 

 

Before Sam can get Steve to agree to a nap - it would make the whole overnight thing go faster - Tony calls. Steve puts him on speaker, for reasons that Sam can’t quite determine. Sam says hi to Iron Man and secretly hopes that maybe he can get an introduction to War Machine one day. When all this is over. 

 

“Hey Cap? I’m proud and all - Popsicle’s first governmental crisis - but you could have called for help.”

 

Maybe Tony doesn’t know Steve as well as he ought to, Sam thinks. 

 

“I had it handled. It was mine to deal with, my problem.”

 

Tony makes a vague noise. 

 

“See, that sounds familiar. Sounds a lot like what Pepper yelled at me for. Well, not exactly, because I wasn’t fighting Nazis on a skyboat, but it’s the thought that counts, right? Back me up here, mystery man.” 

 

Sam shrugs, remembers Tony can’t see him, and then speaks. “He did have help. He asked me.” Not to get into a dick measuring contest with Iron Man or anything, but. 

 

“Aw, you don’t trust me, Cap?”

 

Steve, on the bed, rolls his eyes. 

 

“It wasn’t official business. We didn’t know it was a problem until it was a problem. It was better to deal with it on the ground.”

 

Steve somehow manages to turn the berating around and talks to Tony about looking into the Winter Soldier file. Tony is apparently already waist deep in HYDRA’s guts. Something about scraping. Sam’s not a computer man. 

 

“What’s the plan with that? Just for the mems? You know, once ice man to another?” 

 

Tony really doesn’t know Steve, because Sam sees the small flinch around Steve’s eyes when he mentions the ice. Or maybe he only sees it because Steve’s tired and healing. 

 

“No, it’s different than that. It’s…” yeah, Sam wouldn’t be sure about sharing this over the phone either. “It’s Bucky. It’s him.”

 

“Wait, woah, hold up, Cap. Hold up. You’re telling me that your dead buddy is actually not so dead? And he’s working for HYDRA? And you still didn’t call me?”

 

“I didn’t know the whole time.” Steve sounds like he’s embarrassed about that fact, but it’s not like Steve saw the guy’s face until he literally punched the mask off, so Sam’s gonna have to say that the guilt from that is entirely misplaced. “He’s gone now, and I need to find him. It’s him, I know it is. They had him and they - he didn’t know me right away.”

 

Tony makes a noise of consideration. 

 

“I’ll run through what I’ve got right now, and if there’s anything that mentions him, I’ll get it to you.” 

 

Tony hangs up a little while later, promising what files he’s already got analyzed, as well as everything else he can get off of that file dump, and Sam gets Steve to sleep, finally. 

 

It leaves him alone with his own thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know things aren't moving terribly quickly right now, but I promise there will be more like. plot development coming soon. Also the next chapter is me being as absolutely widly pedantic and extra as possible, so brace yourselves for that.
> 
> Hopefully, Tony doesn't seem too like...antigonistically written, but Sam doesn't know him well and we're getting his perspective, so there's that.


	6. The Ideal I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Asset goes to the museum and learns a thing or two. Distinctions are made. The self remains unrecognized.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends. I am so extra. So, so, so very extra.   
> This is one of those things where you realize that I'm about to get my degree in literature and you're like oh dear god here we go.   
> If you've read Lacan, you'll know exactly where I'm going with this and if you haven't, you're about to go on a WILD ride
> 
> Warnings - explained more at the end:   
> Self harm  
> Depersonalization  
> Flashbacks

The Asset goes to the museum. It dresses appropriately. It pushes back its hair and it wears a hat. It does not see how tired it looks. The Asset was never one for mirrors. They used them, sometimes, to show it things, but the Asset is not vain. The Asset’s motivation here is simply to learn about the man that was its mission. Because the Asset recognized the man and the man recognized the Asset but not really the Asset. The man’s words echoed in the Asset’s mind. It cannot remember much, but it does not think that any other person’s words have ever done that. It categorizes this as weakness in its mind. 

 

Though it’s not really the Asset’s own mind, is it? It was created by HYDRA, so therefore the Asset’s mind also belongs to them. It doesn’t have its own mind, though it might be starting to carve out a space for itself in there. Even if that just comes down to using existing pathways in slightly more creative ways than they were originally meant for. 

 

There are people there. The Asset blends in and away from them. Most don’t give him a second look. The teachers herding massive groups of small children give him looks, but he stays away from them. People are protective of -  _ no  _ \- he absolutely cannot lose himself in public like that. He presses on his broken finger, feeling rooted in the hint of pain. It feels the pain, in case any of its handlers had ever wondered about that. It feels it, but it only reports it when it becomes a hindrance to mission success. This does not happen often. Perhaps if it did, the impetus to escape would have been more attractive. Perhaps this is why they trained it for this. 

 

And oh, does the Asset’s brain hurt. It looks at all the things around it - it is still standing in  _ Early Life  _ \- and it feels things, like the electricity of the chair. It almost turns around and leaves, because it is overwhelmed by the feeling that it should not know any of this. But it decides it needs to stay, just because of that very fact. It sees flashes in its mind, sometimes. It knows what page lurks behind the current one in one of the sketchbooks. It doesn’t know anything else, but it knows that there’s an alley cat behind a drawing of what is, according to the sign, Steve Rogers’ mother. 

 

Then it comes to the section on the war. It has a headache now - almost blinding, but not quite. The mission can still be completed. There are so many photographs. The Asset remembers music, remembers  _ cold metal - what is your name no one is coming for you - 3255 -  _ it nearly creates a new fracture in its already broken finger. There is a photograph, two men. One is the mission, Steve Rogers. The other is - pain. It reads the card instead.  _ James ‘Bucky’ Barnes and Steve Rogers were friends from childhood. Born March 10, 1917, Barnes met Rogers when they were both still young, forming a bond that would last until Barnes’ death in the Alps.  _ The Asset shudders. It looks to the photo again. It will be sick later, it thinks. To do so now would draw attention. The man in the photo has a face that in some ways resembles the Asset’s. It understands now, why Captain America would call it by that name. The Asset does not think that the man in the photo is him, the machine, the weapon staring up at it. This is not a mirror. This is an image that evokes a reaction. He thinks that there are memories imbued in many of these items - they definitely hurt his head enough - but none of them reflect the Asset. For that to happen, the Asset would have to have a sense of self. It doesn’t know what a sense of self is yet, though perhaps it is edging towards one. 

 

The image is of a face like his, but he’s not convinced that it is his. There is a death associated with that face and the Asset is neither dead nor alive. The Asset was created. It knows this. They told him. However, even staring at this image, there are some truths about it that he cannot escape. He doesn’t recognize the body - this body cannot be the same one that is looking at it. He doesn’t remember being like that. 

 

But maybe there’s something to it. He’s started thinking of himself as a ‘he’ and less of an ‘it’. The Asset doesn’t really know why. It was called by those pronouns, it remembers this, but it was never encouraged to think of itself as a person. Maybe the fact that it is trying to blend into humans is giving it the idea that he might be able to become one. Maybe this is a part of the new mission. Steve Rogers thought he was a person. Was willing to speak to the Asset like he was a person. 

 

The Asset gives up on staring at the large photograph of the two men and moves on. It has no other moments like that one, but flashes of memory float through its mind. It goes through the end of the exhibit quickly - it knows what Captain America looks like in the modern day, and the man’s voice makes his head hurt. It returns to its new shelter. Once it has sat down, his head leaning against the wall, he loses time uncontrollably. Images flash and he is paralysed, unable to reach out to break the stream. It hurts. It always does. It always hurts. Order through pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> Self harm - the Asset presses on his broken finger  
> Depersonalization - the Asset continues to use 'it' to refer to himself, though it's a lot less than before.   
> Flashbacks - nothing graphic, but they do happen. 
> 
> Essentially what I'm leaning very hard into in this chapter is Lacan's mirror stage. I personally think psychoanalysis is kinda BS, but god is it easy to do when it comes to identity and mirrors. This is also entirely my feelings on how Bucky as Winter Soldier operates in terms of sense of self because I like being in pain and crying.   
> Here's a wikipedia article on it if you're interested: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror_stage


	7. Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Steve do some learning. It's not great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, folks, this is one of those chapters that make me check my tags on this, because it's about to get ROUGH.  
> I'm going to list the warnings, but if you do not want to encounter any of the more explicit stuff, it starts after the horizontal line and is pretty much anything in italics. It's no longer explicit around the line that starts with "Oh. Sam looks up at Steve."
> 
> Warnings - these are all described, even if briefly. Explanations at the bottom:  
> Torture  
> Medical torture  
> Body horror  
> Medical neglect  
> Brainwashing  
> Mention of potential food issues  
> Learned helplessness  
> Mention of suicide  
> Brief mention of throwing up, but not shown or discussed

Sam drives Steve to his house. 

 

They walk in and Sam almost has a heart attack when he sees Natasha sitting on his couch. Just fucking sitting there, like she’s been invited. He doesn’t bother asking how or why.  

 

“You two shouldn’t stay here,” Natasha says calmly. “Now that you’re both known entities. I’ve got a place.”

 

So they go back out to the car, once Sam’s thrown some of his things into a bag. Natasha drives and Steve seems alert enough to know the route if they need to get out that Sam allows his mind to wander. Who knew his life was gonna end up like this? He called his mom last night, when it was still early but Steve was asleep. She’s been placated into knowing he’s alive and totally not involved in any of the explosions that he totally could not describe the reasons for. Well. She was happy that he’s safe, anyway. And no one knows that he’s supposed to be a felon yet, so that remains unsaid for the moment. 

 

There’s the sound of a notification that is for  _ Sam  _ and not  _ Steve,  _ who is the old man here, technically. To be fair, Steve’s probably had a more one-on-one update about technology. But still, Sam’s supposed to have his phone on silent like a good elder millennial. Steve looks to the back curiously as Sam checks his phone. 

 

Tony’s found the Winter Soldier file. 

 

“Well, looks like Tony came through,” Sam tells the front of the car. “He says it’s a lotta Russian, some German, and some English. He also says that he can translate those two, since the, and I quote, “itsy bitsy spider’s taking Washington”. Natasha makes a rude noise. 

 

“I know German. It’s not great, but I was decent before,” Steve offers up. “I can read it, no problem. If that speeds things up.”

 

Sam didn’t know that. He probably should have. There’s questions he needs to ask, as Steve’s friend. Because they’re friends after all this. Nothing like taking down some Nazis to really bring people together. He sends off a text to Tony, who seems to reply at the speed of light. “He says he’ll send the German as is, and run the Russian through a thing he just made. Does that man ever sleep?”

 

“Rarely,” Natasha says. “Looks like you boys have some reading to do. It’s going to be bad. Really bad. Take breaks. I mean it. HYDRA is...well, they always have been thorough, and if he’s been around a long time, there’s going to be some really bad things in that file. I can’t answer my phone a lot of the day, but after hours, you can call.”

 

“I appreciate it.” 

 

She shrugs, like she hasn’t just given them warnings about what horrors they’re about to read, like she’s someone who has seen those horrors. “I’m trying to be a better person. I was told to start small.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh god. Oh god.” Steve gets up, runs off. Sam picks up the pages that he was reading and takes a look. It’s one of the English scans, translated from Russian. This is good, because Steve’s also been working on the German, and Sam doesn’t know any of that. HYDRA apparently wasn’t real big on Spanish. There’s Steve’s notes on the page, almost all the way down to the bottom. They stop a paragraph before the end, though, and that must be where the real bad stuff is. 

 

_ Acquisition of the Asset from the Germans as terms of their surrender. The Asset was sedated for the handover, but regained consciousness quickly. We are told that he was injected with serum similar to the American hero. Therefore, this Asset must be kept carefully, away from the Americans’ eyes. They do not hold the same ideals as us.  _

 

Sam frowns at that. There’s no note on it, just the word “serum” underlined. Huh. He’d never thought about that. If Steve is right and this is Bucky, that might explain how he survived this long. He skips down the page a little more, because he doesn’t feel about reading about the greatness of Soviet science, or whatever the person writing this was about to go into after talking about ideals and that shit. 

 

_ The Germans were uninspired in their care of the Asset. We were told that he was interrogated and fitted with the metal prosthetic as part of testing for potential solutions for their own men. Now that we have him, he will not be used for such pedestrian tasks.  _

 

_ He is of a confused mindset and has a high fever. The metal arm that the Germans fitted him with has given him an infection. The skin around the attachment site is growing diseased and he will eventually get sepsis. While this ought to be avoided, it is the perfect opportunity to begin to bring him around to be ours. He will not know what is a dream and what is not. We may begin to plant ideas in his mind, and if he is amenable, we will keep him alive. If not, we may discard him or proceed in some other way.  _

 

Sam wants to throw up too. He hears Steve come back into the room, but keeps reading steadfastly. This is torture. This is literal fucking inhumane torture. The next paragraph is dated, which probably means that the latter part of this was from a little earlier. 

 

_ The Asset has been fitted with a new prosthetic. To test the pain threshold, he was kept awake during the operation. He was restrained so that he would not damage his own spine as the anchors were put in. Much of the existing flesh, even that which was not damaged had to be trimmed away to fit the arm properly. The arm is heavy, because it is metal, but for a much more exciting reason as well. As it was explained to me, it is all part of our conditioning process. Only we will feed the Asset, until it has learned to be helpless in this aspect. It will also not be allowed to kill itself. Therefore, if the Asset ever escapes, it will not be able to eat, but also unable to starve itself. Through this dilemma, it will either have to return to base, or waste away in immense agony. The metal arm will tear the spine apart if the Asset is not the proper weight. Therefore, it is certain that the Asset will not leave us. It will have to learn this, of course, as simply telling a man things will not have the same impact as almost living it.  _

 

Oh. Sam looks up at Steve. Steve’s got tears in his eyes, but his hands are clenched tight. 

 

“What if he’s like that now? They - they -” Steve’s too angry to continue, looks like he wants to punch something, but thankfully for the safehouse’s walls, he doesn’t. 

 

“They tortured him. From the very beginning,” Sam finishes. Natasha told him that she didn’t think it was Bucky in that body, and now he understands why. Torture will do that to a man. Torture and it seems like they planned on brainwashing him too. Whoever’s in that body is dangerous, but whoever’s in there is also a prisoner of war who needs help. Sam knows that this is a watershed moment. He drops the page and takes a deep breath. 

 

“This is horrifying,” he says to the wall next to Steve. “This is absolutely fucking horrifying.” He rubs his hands over his face. 

 

“Sam, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dragged you into this.”

 

“No, you shouldn’t have. But I said yes and I kept saying yes. This is just as much my fault as yours. I’m not mad at you, man. If I’m gonna be mad at anyone, I’m gonna be mad at  _ them. _ ”

 

“Still, I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was gonna be like this. I should be able to deal with my shit.” 

 

No one did, Sam thinks. That’s the thing about horror. No one sees it starting. They only see the effects when it gets bad enough. There’s that boiling frog thing. 

 

“That’s not true, Steve. You’re allowed to ask for help. I’d go on, but I’m fucking tired, so sorry, the doctor is out. We should take a break before going through all this. I’m gonna look at kittens on the internet or something.”

 

Steve leaves to go run, clad in both a baseball cap and sunglasses. Nothing’ll hide that body, but he tries his best, and Sam’s not gonna keep him trapped inside, even if he probably should. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Torture - the HYDRA researcher mentions that Bucky was interrogated with the Germans. Also everything that's proposed in the researcher's notes  
> Medical torture - Bucky will be kept awake during the prothesis surgery as a test, he will be denied medical care for his potential sepsis, he is sedated without his consent  
> Body horror - the arm they're putting on him is intentionally heavy and is intentionally designed to hurt him, there is a description of the failure of the first prosthetic arm  
> Medical neglect - according to the HYDRA researcher, Bucky is nearing sepsis, but will be left alone for a period  
> Brainwashing - the HYDRA researcher says that they will begin to brainwash Bucky while he's in a feverish state  
> Mention of potential food issues - below a certain weight, Bucky's body will self destruct + see note below  
> Learned helplessness - the HYDRA researcher says that they'll make Bucky rely on them for food  
> Mention of suicide - the HYDRA researcher mentions that Bucky won't be able to kill himself  
> Brief mention of throwing up, but not shown or discussed - Sam thinks he wants to throw up too, implying that's why Steve ran off
> 
> Please, please tell me if I've missed something important.


	8. Books

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Asset explores journaling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there's any particular warnings for this chapter, honestly.   
> Please feel free to yell at me if I have in fact missed anything.   
> I'll just note that there are occasional memories, some mentions of pain, but this is a good time for Bucky (for once), because I guess he's allowed to have nice things once in a while.

Words no long flit through the Asset’s mind like butterflies, but stay there, solid. He’d noticed that when he’d gone to the exhibit. He thinks that he was just unused to reading. The Asset was never really required to do so to any real degree. And when it was, it was in Russian. Things are happening in its mind now, more than they were before. He has frequent headaches, sometimes loses track of everything for what must be hours on end. Some days he’s back with HYDRA - wakes up and they’re around him, touching him, prodding him, hurting him. When he opens his eyes to his current safe house, he doesn’t know if it’s real. He doesn’t eat for days, and the pain in his shoulder increases. The Asset is driven out of the shelter out of fear, cradling its metal arm. It eats. It is safe for now. 

 

On one of these missions for sustenance, he finds a book. It’s empty, void of letters. A little like him. He takes it -  _ Steve always needs paper  _ \- he thinks before realizing that’s not right. But he has this little book. It’s lined, so it would be bad for drawing anyway. One day, after he’s been unreal for what might be around eight hours, he remembers that the scientists always wrote things down. Dated them. These dates repeat around his head, and he gets an idea. 

 

Finding a pen that works takes some doing, but he does it eventually. He has the book and he has a pen. He holds it in his human hand and attempts to write, like he’s seen people do. What comes out is blocky and muddled and in Russian. His Cyrillic characters are barely legible, even to him ten seconds after he’s written them. But they’re real. He tests their realness by closing the book and waiting until it is a new day to check. They’re still there. Experiment concluded, he goes out on a fact-finding mission and determines the date. He also steals a watch. He needs to know what time it is, so he knows how much he has lost when he goes into the pool of his mind. 

 

The journal entries vary by day. Sometimes they are a simple mission report - what foods were eaten, what the Asset did, what foods the Asset does not want to eat again. Other days, it’s repetition. Cyrillic bleeds into Latin alphabet, bleeds back, bleeds into several languages at once. The most common ones are Russian, English, and German, but there are hints of others as well. Italian one day. Spanish another. And then some attempt at phonetic Arabic written in Cyrillic characters, which is absolutely incomprehensible upon later reading, but he must have had something in mind. And he does go back and reread days, because sometimes he doesn’t remember writing. Those entries tend to be undated, but he can sometimes figure out when they happened. 

 

The Asset has a bag now, too. It has acquired more clothes - jackets and another shirt. It has also acquired a knife from a man that tried to take money from him in an alley. The man is dead. He wrote this in the journal, so he can remember. He doesn’t remember all his killings, but he knows there are many more faces than he sees in his dreams. His dreams are a nonstop rush of horror, of missions twisted by his healing brain into being worse and worse and worse. He writes them down, so he can figure out what is real and what is unspeakable horror created by his own mind. He keeps the journal, with the pen neatly on top, next to his fully packed backpack wherever he stays. It is the smallest of routines, but it makes him feel balanced and quite possibly good. The Asset is learning about good. How people can feel things that aren’t a dull buzz of pain, that they laugh for a reason other than being told to. 

 

There’s a list on one of the first pages of his journal. There is the word  _ Good  _ written at the top of the page. He underlined it a few weeks later and he adds things that are good to him onto the page as he realizes them. There is so far:  _ sun, food, tomatoes, birds.  _ He doesn’t keep a list of bad things, because he is unable to forget them. He is reminded of the bad things constantly, and he thinks that this book is supposed to be about good things when it can be. 

 

The Asset learned that the sun is good when it sat in a pool of light that comes through the window of its current dwelling. The window is too high even for it to reach to tarp over, so it allows it to exist and simply avoids being in the sightline of it. But one day it lost time and the angle was such that he woke up warmed by the sun. He felt alive, like he might be a person in it, and did not move. When he goes out, sometimes he finds secluded areas and sits in them, feeling the sun on his face. This is how he found out about birds, because he sits so still that they come hopping around, thinking that he’s no threat to him. He is, and they are smart to fly away when he moves. But he thinks it is good that they do not avoid him. They live their little lives as he watches and he might enjoy that. 

 

He fills that first book and must find another. This one he pays for, since he is also buying food. The money is from a wallet he took. He doesn’t think that stealing is bad. He has to stay alive, and the mission must be completed, after all. He also buys pens, since he used the last one until it was all dried up. He keeps the old book in the bottom of his bag, by two more knives that he has collected since. The books are his and he will keep them. No one is allowed to take them from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the last week of school and I am so READY.


	9. Even When Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Even when alone, he compelled himself to live with the personality he had assumed.” - John le Carré, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold
> 
> We learn a little about Steve. A breakthrough happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mention of suicide - explanation in end notes. Happens in the paragraph that starts with "I miss my neighborhood -" so skip that if you need to.

“Maybe he went to New York. You know, memories or something? The papers say he could remember things sometimes, before they - they wiped him.” 

 

They’re eating takeout in a new safehouse that Sam is pretty sure is only like twenty minutes from his real house. Still, they should be careful, as much as they can. HYDRA did find Steve in his own apartment, after all. 

 

“Maybe. We could talk to Tony, see if he can get some facial recognition or something.”

 

Steve looks thoughtful. “It might be worth it.” He shakes his head. “It’s so strange. A few years ago, color film was a big thing, and now it’s facial recognition.”

 

Well shit, that really puts things in perspective. People still got like, preventable diseases when Steve was growing up. He grew up during history that Sam learned in school. He lived that. So maybe he can see why Steve’s list of future shit to learn is more of a chore than something interesting. There’s just so much and the gulf is so wide. 

 

“Yeah, and I thought growing up before cell phones was weird.”

 

“I don’t mind this century. Okay, sure there’s a lotta things wrong with it, a lotta shit that I don’t like. I thought we coulda left some shit behind, but all in all, the good shit outweighs the bad.” Steve’s getting into this, slipping into an accent that sounds strange to Sam, but is probably closer to how he actually talked when he was back in his own time. “But it’s not like I got a choice in it. I’m here. It's not horrible. It’s just - fast sometimes.”

 

Sam nods. Steve needs to talk about this sort of thing. “I don’t want to make it worse, but what do you miss about it?” Besides the obvious.

 

“I miss my neighborhood - or maybe it was the people. It wasn’t classy or anything, but I knew the people I knew and it was really home. It was noisy and we didn’t have heat in the winter half the time, but everyone who was friends with us helped. And we helped them. We figured it out. Most of the time. There was - there was a lotta people who got it really bad when the stock market crashed. I didn’t even know what the fuck a stock market was, but I knew that it meant Andy’s dad shot his own head in when he lost his job. And I don’t wanna say that I was miserable all the time. It was different. There was good days and there was bad days, and that’s just how it was. Couldn’t escape it. Wasn’t much I could do anyway, with me being sick all the time.”

 

Steve doesn’t talk about this when he does interviews. Sam has seen those. They’re all very ‘thank you for letting me see this new century’ and careful. He gets privacy, though. Steve’s got an image to maintain, and seeing that crumble isn’t going to go well. Though now he’s got no choice - HYDRA did a lot of fucking damage. 

 

Sam almost says something, but Steve continues on his own. “I think about drawing again sometimes. The Smithsonian’s got my notebooks, you know? They put the drawings that are fit to print forward. But I know what’s in them. I drew what was real, not just what people were supposed to see. I don’t draw now. I guess I don’t have the time or something. Maybe one day I’ll sit down.” 

 

“Maybe one day you will.” Steve breaks Sam’s heart sometimes. “You ever need a model, I’m here.”

 

“Nah, I couldn’t do you justice,” Steve teases _.  _ Sam likes this happier Steve. This is one of only a few times that he’s seen him like this. It never lasts. 

 

They go back to the papers after eating. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, Steve. Suit up, we gotta go.” Sam waves his phone in Steve’s face. “Intruder alert at your old apartment. The one he shot up. Natasha clued me in on the security system.” Thank God for that.

 

There’s no video, and Sam doubts that the Winter Soldier would show up on it anyway, but it’s as good a lead as they’re ever going to get. And if it’s not the Winter Soldier himself, well Sam’s always down to kick a few Nazis in the teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of suicide: Steve says, pretty frankly, that the father of someone he knew shot himself during the Great Depression. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking around, friends!


	10. Travails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HYDRA catches up with Bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this a little later than usual because I was studying for an exam and forgot - whoops.  
> Warnings: injury, depersonalization. Explanation at the bottom.   
> Also note that this chapter isn't entirely chronological, so if things seem weird or out of order, that's why.

The Asset is HYDRA’s fist. He is as perfect as any weapon can get, but the Asset is not entirely infallible. 

 

There had to be other trackers, he thinks as he holds his side. 

 

They found him in an alley. He had gotten sloppy, maybe that too. He had gotten too used to  _ good  _ that he did not see them coming until they were too close. They engaged him, though he doesn’t think they were shooting to kill. The Asset can withstand a lot, and a wounded version of it will struggle less. Blood loss tends to make it weak. It is a delicate balance, of course, because the Asset is less of a weapon and more of a wounded animal and this makes it dangerous. 

 

They use an EMP. The Asset understands, of course. The metal arm jerks and goes dead, now a heavy weight against its side. It still manages to kill three out of the four. It is shot in the process. Or maybe it was already shot. It wasn’t paying attention. It has been bleeding for a while. It is a lot of blood. 

 

The Asset runs, because it is getting good at that. The sole survivor of the attack does not follow, but it can hear the screech of car tires, so it knows that it is only so long before they find the Asset again. 

 

It takes evasive maneuvers, as many loopbacks as it can, trying to keep from leaving a clear trail of blood. It presses its jacket into its wound. It left its bag back at its shelter. It wonders if they were watching it. It hopes they were not. It wants its books to be there, untouched. It will kill them all if they touched his journals. 

 

But as time wears on - he does not have his watch with him - he realizes that the wound is compromising mission status. It is realizing this too late. The wound is compromising full health and the Asset is sustaining blood loss at a rate that cannot be kept up. It is going to die. They have killed it, finally. 

 

It wonders if this is what it was meant for. And yet - 

 

Finding Steve Rogers is his only hope. 

 

The Asset the Asset the Asset it hurts it hurts  _ pain is just pain _

 

He knows that there’s only one place that it can go to die where maybe it can find the man on the bridge. Captain America. Steve Rogers. American Hero. 

 

It needs help and this is the only way to get it. It expects to be hurt there, but it knows that Steve Rogers will see him and help him, because that is what it read in Steve Rogers’ face when he refused to fight back.

 

The Asset is dying, but the mission will be complete. 

 

A light flicks on and the Asset loses consciousness. 

 

Perhaps it will not die. Perhaps they will kill it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depersonalization: Bucky's referring to himself as it again, as the attack jars him a bit.   
> Injury: Bucky is injured pretty badly, so there's a decent amount of blood. 
> 
> Sorry for the cliffhanger over the weekend but that's just how it is! As a reward (and because of narrative sense-making), you'll get two chapters on Monday, so look forward to that!


	11. Being

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Steve meet Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering where the quote from the summary of this fic comes from...here it is.   
> Warnings:  
> Injury, mentions of blood - descriptions at the bottom.

Sam’s good at patching people up, and it turns out that Steve’s got some knowledge too. There’s some improvisation necessary, since they don’t have full supplies, but they get a bandage around that horrifying wound, packed as well as they can make it. Bucky’s getting skinny - they could see his ribs when they pulled his shirt up, and Steve makes a little noise of concern. He feels warm, too, like there’s something he’s already fighting, but Sam doesn’t want to poke too far, and somehow Steve agrees. They step back, once it’s done, and watch. 

 

Even though they’re supposedly paying attention, they don’t notice when the Soldier wakes up. It’s only when he shifts to touch the bandage that both Steve and Sam flinch, their attention more focused now. 

 

“Do you remember me?”

 

There’s so much hope in Steve’s face, and Sam has to say that it’s the first time he’s seen the man like this. 

 

The man who might be Bucky Barnes, but probably isn’t, stares back. Sam thinks Natasha was right. He’s not there. Sam’s seen vets before, real far gone. But this is something else. He remembers the files they read, all the ones that they haven’t gotten through yet. Whoever is sitting in front of them might not be Bucky Barnes, but goddamn if he’s not a POW. Goddamn if he’s not dangerous, too. 

 

“You’re Steve.” His voice is soft yet hoarse. Steve looks like he’s going to cry. 

 

“Bucky,” he breathes, taking an aborted step forward. At least he’s aware he shouldn’t rush the guy. He didn’t move when Steve approached, but the wariness in the way he was holding himself had increased. 

 

Sam, for his part, isn’t sure that this really is Bucky. Yeah, he’ll take DNA match, but all the guy said was Steve’s name, nothing more. Does he actually remember or does he just know information? Natasha’s warning still rings in his ears. 

 

“Why’d you go to this apartment?” he asks. 

 

The Soldier’s eyes snap to his and Sam holds back a shiver, just barely. The gaze isn’t just intense, it’s like a big cat deciding just when to spring on its prey. 

 

Steve turns to Sam, turning his back on the  _ goddamn Winter Soldier.  _ “We can’t interrogate him, Sam. He almost bled out. This isn’t HYDRA.”

 

“Does he know that?” The Winter Soldier’s eyes haven’t left Sam. He’s listening, he has to be.

 

“ _ I _ do,” Steve says, all forthrightness. “Bucky, we’re gonna help you. I’m so glad we found you. I’m so glad you’re alive.”

 

Bucky, if this really is him, let them find him. Made them find him, even. Because bleeding out or not, Sam thinks that he could have gotten into that apartment without anyone the wiser. The man’s a wounded animal, and though he hasn’t moved an inch, he’s dangerous. He’s dangerous, not just because he’s got a fucking metal arm that can rip up highways, rip out steering wheels, rip off Sam’s fucking wings, but because Bucky makes Steve blind. And if anyone were to use it to their advantage, then the rest of the world is well and truly fucked.

 

The person that might be Bucky - Sam decides to call him Barnes, because that’s a person’s name, and he’s not gonna dehumanize the guy further - smiles and it is so goddamn fake. Well - it’s fake because Sam knows fake smiles. Steve’s got one too. 

 

“It’s good to see you,” he says, in that whisper of a voice. Sam thinks that Barnes might be about to say more, but he must change his mind. Steve wipes very quickly at his eyes. Sam doesn’t know what to say to Steve, because he knows how dangerous Steve can be. But this isn’t Bucky and they need to get out. There’s a flicker of pain in Barnes’ face, but it’s gone in an instant, and can’t Steve see how Barnes is measuring Sam up?

 

“I wish it could be under better circumstances, Buck.”

 

“I will heal,” Barnes says. This is  _ wrong _ , Sam thinks. 

 

“I know,” Steve says, and Sam realizes that maybe Steve wasn’t surprised enough at the presence of a healing factor in the Winter Soldier files. “But I don’t like seein’ you hurt. We’re gonna figure something out.”

 

Steve turns back to Sam, with a plan in his eyes. “We need to help him.”

 

Sam shifts back a step and Steve follows. Good. “We don’t want to spook him by making him do too much,” he replies. The guy does need help, but he’s got the look of a fox in a trap, and Sam is afraid. “Maybe a supply run? Get him more bandages and stuff, let him think about coming in while we do it?”

 

Steve nods thoughtfully. “That could work.” He looks down for a second. “You’re right. I shouldn’t rush this. I just -”

 

“Don’t go too hard on yourself, man, it’s a big deal for both of you. He’s here and he recognizes you.” Probably. Hopefully in a good way. “It’s a big step. But we shouldn’t trap him.”

 

Steve nods resolutely. “We can try that.” 

 

He turns back to Barnes. “We’d like you to come with us. I know it’s kind of a big thing, so we’re gonna let you think on it while we go get some stuff for you. More bandages. Will you stay here?”

 

This is probably a bad idea in terms of keeping the guy here, but there’s no way in hell that Sam’s staying here with Barnes by himself. And he doesn’t want Steve alone with him either. So they’ll just have to put their trust in the guy, and hope for the best. See what happens. 

 

“Yes. I will stay,” Barnes answers. It’s so simple, Sam thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that I VERY much fudged the medical care here but I really don't care about true realism.   
> Warnings:  
> Bucky's bleeding from the wound(s) he sustained in the last chapter. He gets stitched up. This is really only discussed in the first paragraph.


	12. Seeming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You've heard of animals chewing off a leg to escape a trap. There's an animal kind of trick. A human would remain in the trap, endure the pain, feigning death that he might kill the trapper and remove a threat to his kind.” - Frank Herbert, Children of Dune
> 
> Bucky meets Sam and Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings - explained at the bottom:  
> Depersonalization  
> Poor coping mechanisms verging on self harm

The Asset comes back on line suddenly, but it is quiet about it. It feels pressure on its main wound. It does not hear anyone speaking, but it can hear the breathing of two individuals. There is no clatter of machinery, so it does not think that it has been moved. It could have been taken by HYDRA, though, so it opens its eyes, carefully touching the bandage as it flicks its gaze up to the two men. It is Steve. And the other one. A primary and a secondary. It waits to see what is going to happen. It expects pain. 

 

The secondary makes him. The Asset can see it in his eyes, can hear it when the man questions Steve Rogers’ judgement. The Asset considers this. Perhaps the secondary is actually the primary. He is certainly the most dangerous. Because Steve Rogers believes that the Asset is Bucky Barnes, but this other man does not. It will work within the given parameters for this. 

 

It will greet the handler, the mission. It knows his name, how the man who was Bucky looked at him. It stays simple. Just those words. “You’re Steve.” It has barely spoken since HYDRA, it realizes. Once or twice to shopkeepers. 

 

It does not want pain. It can and will use resources at it sees fit. It owns its brain now. And so it is ready to fight as Rogers approaches. But the movement is aborted and the Asset does not have to reveal that it has no weapons other than its metal arm - slowly coming back online. The plates shift quietly. It could kill the secondary, it thinks. But Rogers can overpower it. It cannot count on his kindness more than once. Rogers keeps referring to it by the wrong name. The Asset does not have a name. It gently presses on its wound to stay focused on the present. 

 

The other man speaks. He is smart. He is not blinded the way Rogers is. Interrogation makes sense. But the Asset will not break. He is not ready to come in. They are all the same. 

 

The Asset does not have to break, because Steve Rogers is blinded to the facts that both the Asset and the secondary know to be true. He watches the secondary, waiting for his reactions. At least his death would be swift, even if the Soldier is wounded. 

 

Steve Rogers turns back to speak to him, offers help. The Asset remembers this from training. This is a trap. Help is not help. The only truth is pain. It does not want pain from this man. So the Asset plays the part that the man wants. For now. It is working on an exit strategy. So it smiles at Steve Rogers. “It’s good to see you,” it tells him. People say that to other people. He has observed it happening. He needs to get out of here. Steve Rogers hurts his head and when his head hurts, he can’t pay attention to the secondary, who will hurt him, who will stop him. He wants his journals. 

 

He is consumed by that want, and because it takes so much power to want things, he almost misses Steve’s next words. The Asset considers what it has heard. 

 

“I will heal.” He watches the secondary. He spoke wrongly. He needs to get out before they realize and Steve Rogers kills him for being an empty shell, an imposter. The Asset is in pain, of course, but it is no longer bleeding out uncontrollably. It can change bandages. It will get out of here. 

 

He wonders what the secondary’s angle is as he listens to them speak. They step away, but they probably don’t know how well it can hear. It is always underestimated. That is what it is for. The secondary is giving him an opening to go, to get out. Is he being played with? He’s going to take the opportunity - test the cell door as it were. 

 

“Yes,” it says. “I will stay.” Words mean nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> Depersonalization: Bucky refers to himself as 'it'  
> Poor coping mechanisms: Bucky presses on his wound to keep himself present.
> 
> You can probably understand at this point why I'm posting these together. Sam was right, for the most part.


	13. Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is....not doing well. Sam does some thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this one.

Barnes is gone when they get back. Sam is not surprised. He thinks maybe that Steve is not entirely surprised either. 

 

But that doesn’t stop him from sliding down the wall at his back. The bags are on the floor, and Sam watches Steve let them go, so that his hands can cover his face. His shoulders shake and Sam thinks about how it’s only been a few years for him. A few years since the war. A few years since his best friend - or more - died. 

 

“Hey, Steve -” there’s a sniff. “Can I sit right next to you?” A nod. “I know he’s gone, but he knows how to find you. Like, what’ll get your attention. Maybe he wasn’t ready for all this yet.” Maybe he knew that Steve would help him. “You gotta let him make the choice to come in. I’m not saying give up, okay, but you can’t force him.”

 

It takes a moment, but Steve eventually emerges from his hands, and looks over at Sam. He looks a wreck. He’s so fucking young. “How do you do it?” he asks. “How do you always know what’s right?”

 

Sam shrugs. “I don’t. But I do know skittish people and I have training. War does so much shit to you, and you can’t always see it. But with torture, with POWs, what they take is choice. I don’t think Barnes has had a choice since those assholes picked him up.”

 

Steve nods. “I know, and every time I think about it - all those files where they hurt him - I just - they all need to die.” Oh, and now  _ that’s  _ Barnes level scary. “They need to die, for what they did to him. I just want him back,” he says, utterly miserable. 

 

Hope is a dangerous thing. But it’s what Steve needs. “I don’t think this is it, man. I think if he’s in there, he might come back. I don’t know how, I don’t know when. But something’s gonna happen.”

 

“What do we do now?”

 

“Keep watching. Wait for him. I think that’s the best thing you can do right now. Be ready to help him if he realizes he needs help. More importantly, we both need to rest. And I think you should call Natasha.”

 

Steve’s quiet on the drive back. Sam thinks he can see the man trying to cram all his shit into a box so he can shove it away. That’s not sustainable. Steve needs to cry and to rage and to  _ express.  _ But Sam’s only Sam, and he’s just as bone tired right now. Maybe he should ask for space, go home and shower or something. He’s already missed a shit ton of work. He’s gonna break too, if this goes too far. But Steve needs him, and it doesn’t seem like Steve’s got anyone else. 

 

Sam thinks about the files and he thinks about the man they saw today. He knows all the horrible things that HYDRA did to that man, but being in the same space as him wasn’t the same. He’s still a predator, even if he’s been pulled apart and tortured, and Sam can’t forget the feeling of having the wings ripped off his back. It’s all one shitty tangle, and no one’s going to get out of this unscathed. He probably should have offered more help to Barnes. He shouldn’t have been so clearly unwelcoming. Should have taken the skittishness into account. But this is all so close to Sam himself. It’s hard to separate himself from it sometimes. And Sam, the man, not the counselor, was afraid in that moment. He’d reacted out of fear, and while he doesn’t think he screwed things up, he also thinks that he could have handled it better. Maybe. He thinks that it would have always ended with Barnes pulling a vanishing act. 

 

They get home and Sam doesn’t ask for space, just goes to take a shower. He hears Steve talking on the phone when he gets out, and he assumes it’s probably Natasha. She knows about these sorts of things. She’s been a part of that world - Sam doesn’t really know the details, but he does know that she’s a spy and she’s got a Russian name. The world is only so big, after all. He thinks back to Steve saying that HYDRA needs to die and god, they’re really in it for the long run. Maybe they should think about doing something about HYDRA. It’d give Steve something to punch, something to hurt. But Sam doesn’t say that, because it’s just a whim. And it’s not particularly helpful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fully believe in characters crying, if you couldn't tell.


	14. Orienteering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Barnes gets some work done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're starting to get somewhere. 
> 
> Warnings - explained at the end:  
> Self harm  
> Vomiting  
> Depersonalization

The Winter Soldier, who might be James, is going to bring down HYDRA. He decides this once he’s more lucid, the wound starting to really close up. It will scar - it was big enough and left long enough - but what’s one more of those. He writes up everything that happened in his journal. Everything that he can remember, at least. Things were fuzzy. He underlines that Steve Rogers makes his head hurt. This is important. Mission subgoal: make Steve not hurt him. That seems more doable than ‘fix brain’. 

 

He decided on James, because it is James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes’ name, and he might actually have some tie to that man. It is also a middlingly common name. Easy to remember, easy for others to forget. He writes it down in his journal, so that he can remember it too. Most of the time, he still thinks of himself as the Asset, but he considers James from time to time, like the name’s a rock he picked up out of a river because it looked interesting under the water. Once out, he’s not sure it looks the same, but it’s going into his pocket anyway. 

 

Anyway - the mission. Originally it was to understand  _ why  _ Steve Rogers hurts his head. But there have been so many parts of it that the mission has become something else. He has learned to take care of himself and that he is allowed to use his body and maybe his mind and he has learned that he is not ready to see Steve Rogers in front of him. So the mission shifts to deal with these developments. He needs to be ready to see Steve Rogers and that means making his body and his mind his own. So HYDRA has to be eliminated. He writes this down. He does not know exactly what he will do when he’s ready to see Steve. Surrender probably. That is always the end of things. It always ends in surrender. Someone has to control him - though this presents a paradox, considering his goals - and it might as well be Steve. His head hurts. They are all the same. But at least Steve would be gentler than HYDRA when he didn’t have his secondary around. 

 

The Asset decides that the easiest thing to do is to focus on destroying HYDRA. He’s been trained for destruction. It will use the skills he’s most familiar with. 

 

It takes some coaxing to get his brain to cough up the location of various bases around the world. He writes down what he can and endures days of flashbacks. He buys a map of the world to facilitate the process. 

 

He will have to amass materiel for this, though. A gun and several knives will not get him though HYDRA’s presence in this world. 

 

This necessitates a return to the base that he came from in DC. It’s a dangerous move - they easily could be waiting for him to come back, but his guess is that they burned the base when everything came crashing down. Maybe literally, maybe not. He’s going to have to take a risk in order to make all of this work. And if nothing else, the Winter Soldier knows how to take properly calculated risks. 

 

The Asset takes its time in scoping out the base. If it is abandoned or on a skeleton crew, it will be the first place he hits. It stands outside the former bank and his mind fills with pain and silenced screams and the restraints of the  _ chair.  _ He has to break another finger. He almost can’t walk in the door, even once he’s determined that there’s almost certainly no one there. It hurts and it doesn’t want the fucking chair. It doesn’t want it. The chair hurts, the chair erases, and he’s come so far to lose it all if they catch him. 

 

But the Asset knows what it is doing. He walks into the bank and figures out a way down. He is on a mission, his hands do not shake. He will pay for this later, but that is to be expected. He does not remember where they kept his weapons, but there is a logic to the layout of the base. He breaks the lock to the storeroom. There’s the slight crack of electricity that the Asset thinks is probably related to an alarm. Oh well. When he’s done here, they’ll know very well that someone was here. It looks like they cleared out quickly - the room is empty at the front, but the back corner still has guns in it. He inspects each one for sabotage and then goes on a hunt for ammunition. That’s the real limiting factor here - they really cleaned that part of the base out. But he finds some clips all the same. 

 

Next, and most importantly, he’s going to have to bring down the base. This takes some problem solving. The Asset knows that he doesn’t have too much time, and so he scours the base for either explosives or something that will catch fire. 

 

The Asset has to enter the control room. He throws up at the door, because the chair is sitting right there, waiting for him. The rest of the room is a chaos of papers and overturned chairs, but the chair is just as pristine as it always has been. They knew he would come back. The Asset shakes imperceptibly, feels its mouth opening for the guard to be inserted. It cannot. It doesn’t have time for this. It had found a lighter in a corner of the base, one for cigarettes. It knew how to use it. Curious. He lights the papers on the floor. They crackle and the Asset forces itself to leave the room. The chair will not burn because the chair will always exist in his mind and that’s about as fucking eternal as things get. He has to continue. He does not want the chair. 

 

Finally, it finds what it was looking for. Gas for a generator -  _ that fucking thing uses so much power, hopefully there won’t be another brownout -  _ stored in a back room. The Asset pours an unbroken trail of it all the way back up to the reception part of the bank. It lights the gasoline on fire and escapes out a door. 

 

It is dark out, which is good - everything has gone relatively to plan. James will not be noticed, because James is never noticed, but the darkness hides the guns a little bit better. He makes it back to his base and repacks his backpack. Time to move on. He will not work in a pattern. HYDRA taught him too well for that. And he will use what HYDRA gave him. It’s only right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> Self harm - it's mentioned that Bucky breaks another finger  
> Vomiting - Bucky throws up during the paragraph that begins with "The Asset has to enter the control room." That's about as graphic as it gets.  
> Depersonalization - Bucky continues to think of himself as 'The Asset' and to call himself 'it'
> 
> It's gonna be a busy weekend - hence why I'm posting this super early. Hopefully I'll have time on Monday to update. If not, you'll either get it Wednesday or maaaaaybe Sunday.


	15. Road Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Steve do some reading, figure some things out, and make a discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No particular warnings for this one - just mentions of canon typical violence.

“Natasha says that the chatter’s out of control or something like that,” Steve reports when he gets off the phone. 

 

“So HYDRA’s getting lit up like there’s no tomorrow.”

 

Steve nods. “He’s out there. I think it’s him.” Steve would. But Sam’s inclined to agree. Especially if this is all backed up by Natasha’s reports, which - no offense to Steve - he trusts a little bit more than blind faith. 

 

“So,” Sam says, “what’s the plan?” He might regret this, but he’s not ever gonna regret helping Steve. 

 

“Calling Fury, probably.” This looks like it hurts Steve at a very basic level - probably because it means that he’s going to have to  _ listen  _ to someone instead of running right the fuck in to save his friend. Which, given what Sam’s heard about that one mission in WWII, is what Steve really likes to do. Steve’s got priorities and they’ve ratcheted right up to Save Bucky being far above the rest. “At least we know where he is, sort of.” That’s true. 

 

What they need to worry about is when the Winter Soldier starts hitting the more hidden bases. They’ll lose all trace of him then, and who knows when - or if - he’ll ever decide to come in. 

 

Steve calls Fury, who is off doing...something. Sam thought it was probably best not to press too hard for an answer on that front, because fuckin’ spies, man. He wasn’t cut out for this shit. The conversation is quiet and fast. 

 

“He says that if I’m gonna mope around that we might as well try and do some cleanup.”

 

“Oh, so you’re saying this is a secret agency bankrolled road trip?”

 

Steve smiles a little at that. “Yeah, I think so. He said to hold on for a minute - Nat’ll give us what we need, since she’s in the area, but then we’re on our own. It’s supposed to be under the radar, so he said no costume for me and no wings for you. Sorry, Sam.”

 

Sam shrugs. “That’s all right. I get to watch you pretend to be a normal guy, and that seems like an okay reward.” He also doesn’t really know if he could face putting the wings on again, so soon after they got ripped off of him mid battle. But he doesn’t say that out loud.  

 

* * *

__

 

They need  _ something  _ to do while they wait, so they go back to reading the files. 

 

“Oh  _ fuck _ .” Sam barely hears it, but Steve’s definitely found something. 

 

“What’s up?”

 

“That’s Howard. And that’s gotta be Maria, I think her name was. Fuck.” Steve’s showing him a photograph that looks like it was pulled from a security camera. If a security camera had the focus of a fucking toaster, but apparently Steve can make the people out. 

 

“You’re gonna have to dumb it down for me, man.”

 

“Tony’s parents.” Oh, right. Fuck. Yeah. Steve’s right. Fuck. 

 

This is so far over Sam’s head right now. 

 

Steve continues. “He thought they died in a car crash. What the fuck are we supposed to do? Do we tell him? God, what would I do if someone told me that?”

 

Bucky killed Tony’s parents. And Tony’s kind of a loose cannon sometimes. Sam can understand why Steve’s conflicted. This isn’t gonna go well either way. He really doesn’t have a solution to this, but in these situations, he’s pretty sure that only communication is going to get them through this. 

 

“We need to call Tony. Do you think Natasha would set us up for that?” 

 

“But what if he decides to go after Bucky? To get revenge?” Steve’s got a point.

 

“We have no idea what he’s gonna do. But if he finds out on his own and we don’t tell him that we know - that’s gonna be a mess. You know it is.”

 

“I won’t let him kill Bucky.”

 

Steve’s got that face on again, the one that makes Sam fear for anyone who gets between the man and Bucky. Most of the time, it doesn’t really matter - but Tony is also Iron Man, and the two of them work together, even if they aren’t good friends. This would really mean something. 

 

“So you call him and you explain whatever you need to explain. And if we have to figure out how to keep him in the US, then we have to do that.” Sam’s not a hundred percent certain that’ll work. But he’ll champion it for now - this is one of those ‘cross those bridges when we’ve burned the other ones’ sort of situations. 

 

It takes a little more than that to convince him, but Steve agrees eventually, that they should try talking first. 

 

“Tony. It’s about your parents. We’ve been looking through the Winter Soldier files, and - I’m really sorry - I’m so sorry Tony. He was there. He did it.”

 

“I’m going to go now. Maybe drink a minibar,” Tony says. 

 

“There’s proof he was brainwashed,” Steve says, sounding kind of desperate. “Tony, if you -”

 

Tony cuts him off. “I’ll come to terms with it on my own, Cap.” He sighs. “I’ve been going through the documents too, the technical stuff. And there’s a lot -” another sigh. “There’s a lot of shit that’s gonna give me nightmares. So yeah, I don’t think I’m gonna kill the guy, but I ain’t exactly about to welcome him with open arms.” He hangs up after that, without saying goodbye. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So maybe this is a little hokey of me to resolve things so easily and have these discoveries happen so randomly and quickly but that’s just how it it. 
> 
> I’m posting this from my phone lol so if there’s any issues, that’s why. I’ll go back and fix things Wednesday when I get home.


	16. Nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James gets busy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: canon typical violence and mentions of flashbacks.

James is getting the hang of this whole thing. He strides into a base in the Appalachian mountains like he’s coming in from the cold. It is to their detriment that they don’t notice that he is not as thin as he probably should be, that something is not quite right about the Soldier, in a way that they haven’t seen before. Americans are forgetful like that. They do not know his file, and that is why he is able to penetrate deep within the base before he crushes the throat of the man next to him. 

 

They did not even disarm him properly. They saw him flinch at the words they spoke to him and assumed he was just the Asset. James can’t really complain. He felt real fear at the pain they promised, at the threat of the chair. That did not need to be faked. 

 

He crushes another man’s skull with ease, pulling out his weapon and taking down the men who rush at him. This is what they deserve. They will kill him in every way that matters if they get the chance. It is about staying alive, of course, but it is mostly about killing them all. They must all die. Most of the people in this base have never seen him and have never seen him fight. He was used for cover work, mostly, which means that they think all he did was sit in a sniper’s nest. They don’t know what he can do in a crowd. James knows his locations and he uses them. This includes the bodies around him. This is why he was so effective. 

 

They all die, because of course they do and James sets charges to blow the base. He will eradicate every last speck of them until he is done. He will remove those chairs off the face of the earth. When no chairs are left, he will be more free. Not every base he blows up has one in it, but the fewer agents HYDRA has, the better for his mission. 

 

They tried, in the last base, to use the words, but he was fast enough. His body is heavy, but his motions are light and he is  _ fast.  _ They cannot stop him. He will not allow them to take his body and his mind again. He will not fail this mission. It is impossible. He has decided this. 

 

James blows the charges as soon as he can. This catches him in the pulse of the explosion. His organs are not damaged, and only a little shrapnel hits his armor. This counts as success, he thinks, as he cleans the gunshot grazes. They smart a little, but the pain centers him, keeps his thoughts away from the chair that he saw. Order through pain. He returns to his stolen vehicle, returns to his hiding place, and readies himself for more international travel. This sort of thing is not easy with few resources, but if anyone can, James can make use of everything he is presented with. 

 

He stops in Riga, ostensibly to rest, but really to ride out a flashback that hit him as soon as he stepped into the city. He falls into an alley and curls into the fetal position. He cries silently. He cannot move for three days. He can barely move the fourth. 

 

Order through pain, he tells himself. He is in pain because that is the only way that he can stay sharp. The pain of memories bursting to the surface of his brain keeps him alive. What he remembers helps him. This isn’t exactly right. Sometimes the memories are only flashes, sometimes they are from long, long ago. But they all hurt, so they must benefit him somehow. He doesn’t know how to square all of it away. The only common denominator is the hurt, but that’s how it’s always been. 

 

He keeps writing in his journals. 

 

They are more coherent now, he thinks, in comparison to early on. But only by a little. His brain is changing, and he keeps directing it in one particular direction, but what will happen with the mission ends? He is still trying to not think about that. 

 

He had to hide some of them in the US before he left. They would have taken up too much space that he needs for guns and ammunition, so he hid the oldest ones in a spot that he wrote down in his current journal. He will come back for them, one day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:   
> Canon typical violence: Bucky kills some HYDRA people and blows up a base.   
> Mentions of flashbacks: there’s a small section where he has to stop because his brain’s so bad. No mention of what he’s remembering. 
> 
> Another post from my phone! I get home tonight though so I’ll proof these last two a little better then.


	17. Bureaucracy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Steve (and Natasha) get shit done, start making plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No particular warnings apply.

“You shouldn’t follow him everywhere. That’s just like tracking. It’s what HYDRA’s doing, and if you get ahead of them, you’ll just lead them to him.”

 

Natasha is brutal in her honesty. Sometimes Sam appreciates it and sometimes he does not. 

 

“He’s also not going to trust you either if I’m around. I still have, well, I’ve got a lot of the trappings of what they do.”

 

That’s unfortunate. He likes her. She’s fun, even if that might just be a persona. Sam thinks that maybe she manages to be more real around Steve, at least. But most importantly, she knows a goddamn lot more than the two of them do.

 

“This isn’t like DC, though. I don’t think it’s advisable to leave you two on your own completely.” 

 

Sam would have to agree, even if he's clearly been fine with just the two of them running around. 

 

“It’s a delicate game.” He sees why she’s a spider. “I can’t get too close to you, you can’t get too close to him. What I propose is that we set you up in, say, a quiet part of the Ukraine and I set myself up in a place I haven’t been burned yet,” her smile on the video feed is wry, “and then I feed you as much information as I can. Only when we’re sure that we can make contact do we go for it.”

 

Steve clearly doesn’t like that. “But what are we gonna do if we’re just sitting around? How’s that helping? And how are we gonna know whether or not to make contact?”

 

“We blow up a base of our own and leave him a note. He doesn’t have a pattern, but I think we can pinpoint one - maybe a smaller one that they won’t get to quickly. There’s no way he doesn’t know that you’re following him around, so he’ll probably take the bait - you’ve been doing cleanup for him, so he’ll wonder why you’re taking the initiative so suddenly.”

 

Steve considers it and nods. “Okay. Just point us where. But then what? We just sit around and wait for him?”

 

Steve needs to stay in motion, because a Steve at rest has to think about his problems. Sam’s going to have his work cut out for him.

 

Natasha nods. “You need to be prepared for him when he comes in. He’s not going to be all fixed. He’s going to have jagged edges and he will still be a danger to you and a danger to himself. You need a plan and you need to know his file backwards and forwards.”

 

“So we’re essentially creating a plan so that we can talk to him without setting him off?” Sam asks. “And too see what he’ll need when he’s back in the US?”

 

“Yes. And we’re making sure that we understand what he means when he tells us he wants to come in.”

 

“I never did my paperwork,” Steve says, wrinkling his nose. “In the war. Philips hated my guts.”

 

“Well,” Sam says, beaming, “here’s karma comin’ for you.”

 

* * *

 

 

They work on Talk To Bucky Plan as Natasha taps into her network. Steve writes up his notes, which are colored by his experiences from the 20s and 30s, Sam can tell. It’s helpful to have that perspective, even if they’ve got no idea what Barnes remembers - if anything at all. They’ve got Sam’s perspective too, which has its own nuances, so together they’ll have something to show to Natasha when she calls back.

 

They almost work through the night, though Sam taps out around 4am. He has no idea, in the morning, a few hours later, whether or not Steve got any sleep. His guess is probably not, given that the coffee he helps himself to tastes like it could strip paint off a wall. Oh well. Sam’s fuckin’ awake now. 

 

Natasha calls sometime in the middle of the day. 

 

“There’s a base in Greece, in the mountains. Seems pretty low activity, and it’s far from human habitation. I’ll send you a map. Fly into Athens. I’ll set you up with a car, so text me when you land.”

 

“You’re a godsend,” Steve tells her. 

 

She laughs at that. “I’m just thorough. You’ve worked with me before, Rogers.”

 

That settled, they move on to talking more about how to deal with Barnes. 

 

“Can we email you what we’ve got so far?” Sam asks. 

 

“As long as there’s nothing compromising, that’s probably the easiest way.”

 

“We’ll clean it up,” he promises. “We’ll send it over your way, and then we’ll get that flight to Athens.” He’s always wanted to go. They won’t see much scenery in the city, he guesses, but at least he can say he’s set foot there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are (slowly) starting to happen!


	18. Rust and Ruin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James makes a discovery. It's possible that trust may exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No particular warnings - there's descriptions of past violence and beheadings are mentioned, but it's not terribly graphic. The nice thing about James' perspective is that he's pretty detatched from things that should probably be shocking or concerning.

James is making his way across the country in a car he stole and subsequently switched out the plates for. He’s got a base he wants to hit, and if all goes well, he’ll have a decent amount of time to set himself up. He’s got this down to a fucking science, and preparation is always key. HYDRA’s got pretty standard SOP across the board, but it’s those little anomalies that’ll get him killed if he’s not careful. 

 

What he’s less prepared for is the base to already be something of a ruin. He frowns, from his hiding place. Someone hit the base before he did, and he doesn’t know just who. Actually, that’s not entirely true. It was probably Steve Rogers and his secondary, if he’s being honest with himself. But why? What would they get out of this? They aren’t still here, as far as he can tell, and nothing has happened to him yet. 

 

That is why he makes himself move to investigate the wreckage. It’s less curiosity and more of a concern that he will miss something vital. They didn’t leave much. There’s bodies scattered around, several missing their heads. He thinks about stopping that shield with his metal arm. 

 

He’s ambling around, staring at a burned out jeep, when he notices it. There’s a phone there, an older model, a paper stuck between its two halves. He gently eases the paper out, in case the phone has some tricks in it. 

 

_ Hey Bucky,  _

 

_ We thought this was the best way to talk to you. It was  _ \- here, several words are scratched out -  _ real good to see you again, back in DC. I hope your wound has healed alright. There’s no trackers in the phone, so I hope you’ll take it with you. All our numbers are programmed into it. I’m Cap, Sam is Wings, and Natasha is паук, -  _ the writing is precise, as if the person writing the characters was unfamiliar with them -  _ she says you’ll understand.  _ He does.  _ If you ever need anything from us or just -  _ the next part is scratched out for several words -  _ feel free to call.  _

 

_ I miss you,  _

 

_ Steve _

 

James picks up the phone, considers it, retreats to cover with it. He recognized the handwriting of the note even before he read the name at the end. He wonders if he’s ready. He doesn’t know, and that worries him. But this is an invitation for a very small amount of trust, and maybe he’s ready for  _ that.  _ He’ll take the phone. It could be a trap, but something about the note says that it isn’t. 

 

He’s not sure what it means when Steve Rogers says that he misses him. He misses Bucky, and James is quite sure that he is not Bucky. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be Bucky, unless SHIELD wipes and remakes him. They might. They’re all the same, after all. He will kill SHIELD too, if they try. 

 

The phone goes into a pocket and he walks back to his truck. They’ve done him a favor, getting rid of this base, which means he can really get serious about his next one. Maybe visit a weapons cache of two. That will mean a detour, but he’s got a whole day free. He’s eaten, too, so he won’t need to stop to do that or to sleep. 

 

He puts the phone in the glove compartment, next to a pistol and two knives. It will be safe that way. He keeps the note in one of his jacket pockets that is always kept zipped. It will be safe there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natasha's name in the phone is паук which, according to both wordreference and google translate means spider. 
> 
> This is the last week of this story! Yes, if you've done the math and seen that there's 4 chapters left over 3 days, you're absolutely correct. I'm posting 2 chapters together because they're short and it's close to being one of those equal perspective situations again, so look out for that on Wednesday probably.
> 
> Also, I feel for that letter alone I should add pining as a tag.


	19. Sitting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We understand why sitting still is a difficult option for the dynamic duo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: a nightmare is mentioned, but we don't see any of it.

Steve’s getting restless, and to be honest, so is Sam. Yeah, he likes getting some rest, but still. They’re not done yet, and well, maybe he’s not so great at sitting still as he’d like to tell himself he is. Sure, they’ve got things to work on, like the Bucky Plan and the files, but that’s paperwork, which neither of them were really made for. That’s a similarity that Sam’s always wanted to make. The Captain America they showed him in school wouldn’t have stood for a lot of what Sam’s about. But Steve Rogers has a lot of qualities that Sam greatly admires. He can be a bit of a bullheaded fool, but that’s not all there is to him. Sam wouldn’t necessarily brag that he knows Captain America, but he’s happy to have Steve Rogers as his friend. 

 

And as a friend, he’d say that Steve Rogers needs a fucking break. And someone to really talk to - someone’s who’s qualified. Sam can fulfil that role - happily, even, because he’ll do a lot to keep Steve from falling apart - but he can’t do it forever. They’re close, and he doesn’t want to ruin their friendship by making it too clinical. Or something along those lines. He wants to be able to hang out with the guy, listen to his problems, all that. He distances himself from things a little more when he’s doing actual work, and he doesn’t want to do that with Steve. 

 

But all that is for the future. Steve’s not going to be doing much of anything besides pining for Bucky Barnes for the foreseeable future. He’ll tear the world apart if he has to, in order to get Barnes back. Sam’s saw the wreckage that Steve left behind when they attacked that base, and he thinks for everyone’s sake, there needs to be some sort of resolution. They always told him that Captain America was all for fairness, made it seem like he only took prisoners. But Steve Rogers will decapitate men with his shield, because these men are keeping Bucky from him. 

 

And okay, Sam’s got to wonder exactly what Steve and Bucky were to each other. He doesn’t ask, because that’s intensely personal. Something that Steve’s going to have to mention on his own if he ever wants to. He doesn’t know where the guy is on that sort of thing, or even if he’s drawing the right conclusions. So he lets that simmer for now. 

 

* * *

 

 

They go on runs every day and Sam learns a little bit better about why Steve might be all about that exercise. They’ve been sharing hotel rooms for a while now, but things have slowed down. And that’s never a good thing. 

 

He’s woken up one day by a very loud thump in Steve’s room of the dacha-esque home they’re living in. Sam worries that someone’s found them, so he rushes over to Steve’s door, gun in hand. He presses his ear against the hinge carefully, but all he can hear is a slight whimper. This might be something else, he thinks. 

 

He gives a careful knock, but gets no response. He carefully pushes the door open to see Steve on the floor, shuddering. His teeth are chattering, like he’s - cold. Shit. The window’s open. That’s probably not helping. Sam moves carefully over to the window and shuts it before turning back to Steve. He makes sure he’s standing properly, so that he’s not looming or anything like that. 

 

“Hey, Steve.” The man jerks slightly at that, but he doesn’t seem any more awake. “Steve. Steve. It’s all right. We’re in Natasha’s house, the one she set up for us. You’re safe. I’m here. Steve, you’re safe.” 

 

Steve flinches and wakes up suddenly. Conflicting emotions play over his face, only to be hidden as quickly as possible. “Hey Sam.” His voice his raspy, he has to start that sentence over before he can fully get it out. “Sorry if I woke you.”

 

“I just wanted to see if you were all right.” Sam doesn’t mention that his paranoia had taken him over before his logic. “Are you?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Steve is absolutely not. “I just - got cold. It happens. Shouldn’t have had the window open.”

 

“Sure thing. I closed it for you.” Steve looks embarrassed, like someone caught him not being fine, being weak. “There’s probably extra blankets somewhere, if you ever want them. We’ve all got our things.”

 

“It’s stupid,” Steve says. 

 

“Hey, I never said it had to make sense. A lot of things don’t, when you come back. Sometimes there’s no way to even start making sense of them, either, until you’ve done a lot of other work. Maybe there won’t ever be. So you just find ways to keep yourself safe.” And sometimes, oftentimes, it’s not something sustainable. Sam wonders if Steve will adjust well once he doesn’t have his Find Bucky Mission to keep him busy. 

 

“Thanks, Sam. Thanks for being here.” There’s that genuine Steve Rogers. 

 

“I got your six, man. Through all of this. ‘Cause I know you got mine, even if you lap me like an asshole.” Steve smiles a little at that, and Sam counts that as about as big a win he’s gonna get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so you know how I said something about two chapters today? Well, if I had actually looked at my document, I'd have seen that I'd already planned out the last two chapters for the same day, so here I am, a fool. But that's something to look forward to for Friday.


	20. Phone a Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this one.

James didn’t see this coming. Well, he did, but he’s still just a little unprepared. HYDRA had to regroup eventually. Still, he didn’t call Kazakhstan as the ones who would have their shit together. And they sure do, by his reconnaissance. He doesn’t remember this base, which doesn’t mean anything, really, but he can’t see why they’d have all this security. Maybe it’s because Ukraine’s all fucked and and people watch Russia very closely. He hopes they haven’t detected a pattern from him. Hopefully it’s just general regrouping. 

 

There’s too many people here, even for him. He checks his watch. He doesn’t know how much time, but he might as well tell them where to find the body. If he begins the assault in 12 hours, he will be prepared. If he begins it in 15, he will be fully prepared. Time to gamble with his own life. Because that’s what it is - his. 

 

This base is shockingly, the last one with a chair. Maybe it was a backup location, because he’s done his fucking best to remember whether or not he’s been in that sandy colored building before, but his brain is absolutely not obliging. Either it was so fucking bad that he’s blocked it out or they just happened to get stuck with the chair and not him. Doesn’t really matter, though it would be better for the mission if he did. 

 

He walks back to his truck and drives to where he left his phone. He encodes the message and he sends it to the Widow. She will do with it as she pleases. She is the most likely to betray him, and this kind of chance feels like one he needs to take. Or maybe it’s actually a show of trust in her. He doesn’t know with these sorts of things. 

 

Once that is done, he begins to prepare in earnest. He will be using the last of his supplies, but that is acceptable. Either the mission ends and he turns himself in or the mission ends because he is dead. His life matters only a little to him, in the end. 

 

\---

 

In the end, he finishes his preparations around hour fourteen, which is an acceptable amount of time. He sets his charges and retreats to his cover before blowing the base to shreds. It takes a moment before people start to stumble out of the base, and he starts picking them off. The base must go pretty fucking deep, not only due to the crater he made when he blew the lid off the place, but also because the people that start pouring out last are a lot more ready and a lot less dusty. He can hear the structural cracks starting to become a problem, in between the gunfire. That’ll be helpful. But people are appearing from exits and he knows it’s about to get serious. 

 

At some point, someone else shows up - two of them, actually, by his estimation. The smoke is thick, but he can hear the battle changing around him as they enter the fray. Maybe Romanova did talk to Steve Rogers about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little lead-in to the final chapter.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We have to live without sympathy, don’t we? That’s impossible, of course. We act it to one another, all this hardness; but we aren’t like that really. I mean … one can’t be out in the cold all the time; one has to come in from the cold.” - John Le Carre, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No particular warnings. There is, technically, canon-typical violence in this, but there's not really much description of it because as we all know by now, I just love those internal monologues.

Tony sounds half asleep when he answers. Sam goes for it anyway. “How fast can you get to the Caspian Sea?” He can see Steve packing for him, getting their bags ready to go. 

 

“Like, now?”   
  


“Yeah, like now. Our metallic friend just gave us a ring. I think we’re gonna need air support. Natalie confirms this.”

 

“Ah, Natalie, what a woman, what a traitor,” Tony muses. He’s back to business almost immediately. “Leaving now? It’ll take maybe 18 hours.”

 

“You wanna do this? I mean with everything and all?” Not very eloquent there, Samuel. 

 

“I said I wasn’t gonna welcome him with open arms and I’m still not convinced. But call it a whim, call it Natalie threatening me and Pepper’s good influence. Anyway, this seems like a problem I’m gonna have to agree to hash out when a 100 year old man isn’t giving a distress call from the Caspian Sea. I’ll take the jet, maybe bring a friend.” 

 

Sam’s mind goes  _ holy shit.  _ “I’ll pass that around. It’ll take us a good long while too. Probably radio silence, so just try not to make us shoot you down.”

 

Tony snorts. “As if you could. See ya soon, Birdbrain.” And hangs up without saying anything to Sam, who stands there for a couple seconds before he realizes that Tony’s just like that. 

 

“Good to go?” Steve’s got all the bags in hand.    
  


“Good to go.”

 

* * *

 

 

Natasha sent them a map right after she hung up, and it’s the sketchiest goddamn thing Sam’s ever seen, and he’s seen some sketchy-ass terrain. They’re essentially gonna be offroading so that their trip takes 14 hours instead of 18. He glares at the jeep before he gets in. At least it’s got padded seats, which is better than he can say for some of the rides he’s taken. But still. It’s hot and fucking dry, and dear fucking lord it’s two soldiers in a car. 

 

But it does mean that maybe they’re gonna get eyes on Barnes, and that’s a victory that Steve needs. Sam too, because he wants Steve to stop falling apart when he stops looking directly at him. It’s like the world’s worst optical illusion. The man’s strong, Sam’s not denying that. He doesn’t think he’d still be here if this was his life. Steve’s gone through World War Fucking Two, what’s got to seem like time travel, aliens in his hometown, his government hunting him down, and now his best friend being an assassin that should have been dead in the aforementioned World War. 

 

Sam really does hope it’s not a trap. Natasha didn’t seem to think the chances of that were high. But if it turns out to be, at least they’ve called Iron Man in. And potentially War Machine, if Sam’s excited mind is to be trusted. That’d be so fucking cool, if it weren’t for the circumstances. 

 

He takes the first half of driving, and Steve conks out pretty much immediately. It’s what soldiers learn to do - sleep in any jostling vehicle because who knows when their next chance for it will be. Sam knows he’ll be like that too, when Steve takes over the wheel. They cross into Kazakhstan after not too long, and the border guard looks absolutely, utterly bored. Doesn’t even mention searching their vehicle, just glances at the passports he’s offered and waves them on through. He barely looks at either of them. Steve doesn’t even have to wake up. Borders are weird, Sam thinks. 

 

The terrain’s settled into its rocky, hilly bullshit, that Natasha had said it would. Their car, even if it was a particular color before, starts to get a coating that makes it blend in. Even on the big road, there’s dust, and Sam’s not excited for what their fucking dirt road is gonna look like. They switch drivers before then, so Sam doesn’t even notice when they exit the main road. Steve wakes him up before the drive’s over, though. 

 

“We’re still a little far out from the coordinates he gave us. We should probably leave the car here and proceed on foot. The dust clouds are pretty bad on these roads.”

 

Christ, he thought he gave up trekking through the desert long ago. But yeah, Steve’s absolutely right. He nods. 

 

“How far is far out?”

 

“Hour’s walk. I’m calculating it for you, not me.” Meaning Steve could do it in less. 

 

“Yeah, good plan. Been a while since I took a hike in full gear.”

 

* * *

 

 

They would have made it in the hour Steve calculated, but they’re about halfway there, according to Natasha’s map, when there’s a deep  _ boom,  _ smoke rising up above the hills moments later.

 

“Shit. Looks like he got busy without us,” Sam says. “Where the fuck would he have gotten that? Do you think those other bases just had fuckin’ C4 laying around?”

 

Steve shrugs. “Fuck if I know. He wasn’t even the demo guy when I knew him. But we need to move.”

 

So they make it in closer to 50 minutes, all told. Barnes really did a number on the base. It must have been subterranean, or at least partially, because there’s a big fucking crater in the earth and a whole lot of bodies already. Sam doesn’t see Barnes anywhere, but he can hear the crack of gunfire, which is probably as much of an announcement of his presence as they’re gonna get. 

 

“Just start shooting, I guess,” Steve says. “I’ll take the jeeps.”

 

“Yeah, we got our fucking pick of targets,” Sam replies, getting his own weapon ready. It’s true. There’s people fighting somewhere, but there’s also guys getting into the part of a motor pool that isn’t currently burning. It’s a madhouse and Sam wonders if this is Barnes using them again, like he did for his wound. It would make sense. 

 

His considerations don’t really matter once he starts shooting. Then it’s all about not dying.

 

* * *

 

 

He’s chosen his line of attack carefully, but he’s about to have his luck run out when he hears whirring in the sky. He doesn’t look up, but there’s a flash of light and some of the goons fall down and don’t get up. That’ll be Tony. Sam fires, and then looks up. There’s two figures in the sky, so he really did bring a friend. Thank god for that, because this place is like a fucking anthill. They just keep coming. It’s gonna show up on satellites, he’s pretty sure. With that plume of smoke? No way it’s not gonna get noticed. But hopefully it’ll all be done by then and they can figure it out from there.

 

* * *

 

 

With the extra help, they finish off the stragglers. Iron Man and War Machine, once they seem satisfied with their air support no longer being fully needed, go to check out the mangled remains of the bunker. Natasha goes with them. Sam’s got no fucking clue how she got here or when, but clearly, she found a way. That’s how spies are, he supposes. Sam and Steve regroup, and no one sees the Winter Soldier. Sam wonders if he’s still here. They look everywhere, Steve seeming a little desperate, but Bucky’s nowhere to be found. 

 

* * *

 

 

The, well, not the Avengers, regroup when no one else seems to be stirring inside the base. 

 

“Sam Wilson. I was pararescue,” Sam says as he shakes the man’s hand. “That’s how you say ‘I’m crazier than you’,” Steve whispers in the background. He can hear both Tony and Steve snicker. Sam is the better man and ignores them. 

 

James fucking Rhodes grins at him. “I guess I couldn’t expect anyone with a full brain to be running around with Steve Rogers.”

 

Sam grins right back. “Nice to meet you, sir.” 

 

“Nice to meet you too. Call me Rhodey. Tony won’t call me anything else, and I feel like this kind of situation doesn't need to be formal. We’re all friends here, anyway. Especially if we’re going to be spending another 18 hours in a jet together.”

 

Barnes chooses this exact moment to make himself known. He sort of just appears, like he’d always been there, walking slowly towards the group, his hands away from his body. 

 

Natasha’s been pointing a gun at him from the beginning. Sam and Rhodey turn, almost as one, Rhodey raising his repulsors, while Sam just waits. Tony’s in the suit and Steve looks like he wants to go run and hug the guy. Because of course.

 

Barnes stops, several meters away, close enough to be heard, but far, far out of reach. He’s still.

 

“What do you want?” It’s Natasha. They shared the plan with her, but they all thought Barnes would probably be the one speaking first, so that’s as good as anything. 

 

“I’m done,” Barnes says. The crowd relaxes a fraction, except for Natasha. “I request extraction.”

 

Sam’s not sure that’s enough.

 

“Do you know who you are?” The plan is sliding into place. She’s got this. 

 

“James,” he says. Sam wasn’t expecting that. “I call myself James. I was formerly designation: the Asset, the Winter Soldier. I was formerly Bucky. I remember things.” The speech isn’t quite smooth, but it’s not that dull whisper that Sam remembers from before. “I will submit to interrogation. I will submit to incarceration. I will submit to prosecution.” God, Sam thinks. He’s really doing it. 

 

James continues. “I will allow myself to be disarmed via EMP. I will submit to medical testing. I will submit to restraints.” This needs to stop. This is wrong in a whole different way. This is so goddamn wrong. He’s giving up. He’s assuming that they will use him like HYDRA did. 

 

“James,” he calls. This diverts the man’s attention. “We accept your terms.” They aren’t terms. This is unconditional surrender. He uses the same precise speech, though. They went over this. “We do not require your incarceration and we don’t want to interrogate you. We want you to be able to heal and to feel safe. We will attempt to help you regain your memories and to take care of you before we even consider opening you up to prosecution.”

 

James stares at him. It’s that same considering stare from the apartment, but this time there’s nothing coiled behind it. “I accept. If that is how you see fit to handle me.” Fuck, this isn’t right. They accounted for some of the wrong variables. He’s healed in some ways, but not in others. 

 

Natasha takes back over. “You can approach now. Hand over your weapons when you get to me.”

 

It would be almost comical, the amount of weapons James has on him, if Sam wasn’t sure of two things: that he could and would use them at a moment’s notice, and secondly that he’s sure that James is waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

 

“Can I hug you?” Steve asks, because of course he does. 

 

“Yes,” says James. There’s nothing behind his eyes. He’s not giving permission. He’s accepting what they dish out to him. This is very bad. He gave up all his agency when he surrendered. 

 

Steve doesn’t notice, stepping forward to wrap him in a hug, burying his face into James’s flesh shoulder. But Sam notices, and he thinks that Natasha does too. James hugs back, or at least returns the gesture lightly, probably to keep up whatever pretense he’s keeping up. Steve pulls back with a soft smile, and turns to Tony to figure out transport back to the US - Sam hears something about a jet. Rhodey strides over to deal with that as well, so Sam goes to find Natasha. James stands watching. 

 

“He thinks he’s a prisoner,” is the first thing he says to her. 

 

“He’s right,” she says. “Sort of. As soon as the government gets word of this, they’re going to drag him to trial.”

 

“He looks better. When he was at Steve’s old apartment, he wasn’t like this. I think he really does remember things. But,” Sam chews his lip, “I don’t think he’s all there. Did you see what happened when Steve hugged him?”

 

She nods. “It’s hard to escape the programming. It does seem like he’s come a long way, given your description of him, but you’re right. I saw it too. It was in the way he said ‘handle’ as well. I’m not a psychologist and I really - I came in from the cold kicking and screaming. It’s going to be difficult to help him.”

 

That’s sort of the bottom line, isn’t it, Sam thinks. How do you keep a super soldier from breaking? How do you keep two super soldiers from breaking? Because break Steve will, if they don’t consider him too. 

 

“They both need therapy. More than what I can give. I know I’m the only person any of you really trust to talk about trauma things, but I can’t take all of that on. I need rest. I’m too close to Steve to be really helpful, and I’m so fucking out of my depth with James. I’ll vet anyone you throw at me, but I can’t keep going like this. He hides it, but Steve’s not doing well at all.”

 

She considers him a moment before speaking. Her gaze and James’ both strip everything away. “I think we could make that work. Tony will probably be willing to bankroll it. I can help go through the psychologists with you. Because you’re right. It’ll have to be someone very special to deal with James.” She gives him one more of those piercing stares. “You’ve done a lot for Steve. He was worse before. It wasn’t my job to help him, so I didn’t. I probably should have,” she says. “But I also wanted to respect boundaries. SHIELD didn’t give him a lot.”

 

Sam shrugs. “It was probably also a matter of timing. And you were on the inside, so no offense, but why the fuck would he go to you?”

 

She shrugs. “None taken. It’s a fair point. When we get back, we should talk to Tony and then figure out how to talk to the pair of old men.” She reaches out to pat his shoulder, before turning to walk over to James. “Rest on the way back. You deserve it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end, folks! Okay, not really the end, because you've probably noticed that this is part of a series. I've written the second part and I'll probably start posting that on Monday! Just a warning about that one - it has a few more intense parts to it, so really heed the tags on it. 
> 
> Also, just a note - James may seem a lot different here in terms of coherence and person-ness than he was in his side of the chapter and all I got for you is: yes. That's sure a problem. And essentially the answer I can give you right now is that he's been doing fine but coming in like this is a big step and that's bound to knock some things back loose. He didn't really have an idea of what surrendering would look like, just that it was going to happen eventually and so there's tension, friction there.

**Author's Note:**

> If there's anything I've missed, please don't hesitate to tell me what I've forgotten to tag  
> Also this is entirely unbeta'd by anything other than Google Docs, so also if I messed something up there, whoops.  
> Identity bullshit is my jam, so expect lots of weird introspection. 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at the same username (someactionshavenoend)


End file.
